This One Time, At Man Camp

So I can’t count the number of times I’ve watched a popular condescending talk show host hold court and verbally assassinate countless husbands who never see the blows coming from a mile away. Let’s just call him Dr. Fool. Before men agree to come on his show, I have to wonder what they’re thinking. Hello? It’s not like they’ve just been given a free trip to Disney World. This is Dr. Fool, guys. For the love of God, do you realize what he’s going to do to you? More than likely, you’re going to walk away from the show feeling lower than a piece of chewing gum on the bottom of Dr. Fool’s shoe.

Anyways, I guess the reason the show leaves such a bad taste in my mouth is because I CAN RELATE. I am that woman, the one sitting on the stage where Dr. Fool clammers, “What in your right mind Kiki makes you think this kind of behavior is okay?” “Kiki, this is a grown man peeing on furniture. Come on, now. ” “Hello, Kiki. Is anybody in there?”

Needless to say, maybe the content of his show hits way too close to home. However, that didn’t stop me from being completely mesmerized by his “Man Camp” show the other day. Basically, three fed-up women (like myself) are prepared to divorce their pigheaded husbands. They’re sick of living with male chauvinists. In a meek attempt to save their “marriages,” these gals ship their men off to Dr. Fool’s man camp. Supposedly, the men are gonna get an attitude adjustment, and a bit of role reversal goes down. In other words, the women become the men.

So given the opportunity to be J-Fed for a day, here’s what I would do…

1. I would piss in his go cart, his favorite one. Yes, it sounds crass. But I soooooooo love my armoire, and he soiled it in a drunken stupor. I don’t care if he only gets toasted once in a blue moon. The fact is, the moon was blue and my armoire became yellow. Like they said in The Legend of Billie Jean, fair is fair. A reaction to him peeing in my furniture.

2. I would make my own retreat within the house where everyone could see me, and I would only come out for meals. That’s right. I’d take my laptop and my Perriers and I would sit on my can all day and all night. I’d watch as the laundry piled up, the dogs crapped on the floor and the dishes formed a small tower in the sink. And when he asked me “what in the hell” I was doing, I would simply explain that I’m here, but I’m not here. A reaction to the fact he sits in the garage round the clock drinking fraps, smoking cigarettes & watching go-kart crashes on YouTube.

3. I would call him intermittently throughout the day, and be super friendly at first. Then once I sucked him into some meaningless conversation, I’d scream, “Look, I’ve got a job. Let me work. Don’t call me again.” A reaction to the many times he calls me throughout the day about absolutely nothing only to rail me as if I were the one calling him.

4. I’d wake up in the morning and take the Lord’s name in vain for absolutely no reason before I even rolled out of bed. I’d huff and puff around the house and stomp my feet like the giant in Jack and the Beanstalk. I’d demand to know where my belt is, where my wallet is, where my cigarettes are, where my flip flops are… A reaction to the many times he wakes up in the morning and demands to know where his cigarettes, keys, shoes, clothes, etc. are when he’s the only one who would really know this.

In conclusion, I’m not a big fan of Dr. Fool, but the possibilities of Man Camp are endless.