Time heals. No, it really does.

I am often asked for advice on how to move on and heal after a heartbreak. I always say the same thing: “it just takes time.” I wish there were some magic instant solution, but there isn’t.

We have technology that can fast-forward a lot of things, from getting long hair to baking a potato, but mending hearts is not one of them. Retail therapy works pretty quickly, and so does Xanax, but both of them are equally temporary.

Here’s the secret, and you’re not going to be thrilled about it.

You simply need the passage of time. Now this is going to sound kind of stupidly obvious (or obviously stupid), but if you can accept the concept of “time” your mental outlook will improve significantly.

I actually stumbled on this epiphany as a result of yoga. I’ve been practicing yoga for about a year and a half. I’m not that great at it, but I’m certainly better than when I started. When I first started and saw some of the poses, I said to myself, you have GOT to be friggin’ kidding me! But I stuck with it, and slowly but surely I am becoming a pretzel person.

Now I can look at certain poses and say, well I’m 6-8 months away from achieving that. I’m not there now, but I’m confident I will be in the future. I simply need to keep practicing, and let time run its course.

And all of a sudden it struck me.  Why can’t I have that same approach to other aspects of my life? Why do I spend so much time agonizing over WHEN something is going to happen rather than HOW to make it happen? Why can’t I have the goal in mind as I do with yoga, and then get on with the process of making it happen?

There is a “process” attached to everything we do. I understand the existence of a process for many things. Take cooking for example. If I want to roast a chicken, I understand there are certain things I must do in order to achieve the crispy-skinned goal. I have a role, the oven has a role and the chicken has a role. But one of my important roles involves waiting. Waiting for the damn thing to cook. Still, it’s part of the process, and I’m confident when I stick the chicken in, after the prescribed time, it will emerge lovely and golden.

I have the goal in mind, I do what I have to do, and I will reach that goal. Doing what I have to do does not include hours of agonizing, and endless tubs of Coffee Heath Bar Crunch. That would be part of a different process which results in high blood pressure, acid reflux and increased body fat – in case you were curious. And I’m speaking from experience, by the way.

Sitting in a puddle of regret and heartache is not part of a productive process. It is part of a process of destroying your confidence, eroding your potential, and eating up your life. Getting on with your life, making new plans and having goals for the future IS a productive process.

Of course no one can (reliably) see the future, and there are no guarantees. Except one. If you do absolutely nothing but sit and stew, you are guaranteed not to move forward.

When it comes to letting go, the only thing we can do instantly is make an effort. You must proactively and patiently build your new life. What’s holding you back from moving forward? You are. Remember, you can’t grab something new and wonderful unless your hands are free. You must let go.