TMI

TMI! In a relationship, how much information is too much? Despite the fact I believe good communication is critical to a healthy relationship, despite the fact I believe complete honesty is essential for love and intimacy, I also believe there are certain things you do NOT need to share with your lover.

I bring this up because a (married) friend of mine was telling me she sometimes thinks about kissing other men – just thinking, and just kissing. Nothing more. The problem is, she’s also told her husband. Not surprisingly, he was less than pleased. In my opinion, for her husband, it was TMI. Too much information. She simply did not need to tell him.

We have a zillion little thoughts every day about all sorts of subjects we do not need to share with anyone else. As normal functioning human beings (ok, even as slightly abnormal, or perhaps a little bit kinky human beings), we’re going to have fleeting thoughts or fantasies about people other than our lovers and spouses. Listen to me. They don’t need to know.

I don’t need to know how often my sweetie thinks about Jennifer Lopez’ hindquarters. I don’t need to know the reason he’s so interested in the weathergirl’s forecast has nothing to do with her cumulus or her nimbus, but everything to do with her boombas.

And likewise, he doesn’t need to know I ran into a neighbor at the gym and instantly thought, “My goodness. I never noticed how shagable he is.”

None of these things have any bearing on our relationship – for one HUGE reason: we have no intention or real desire to act on these impulses. They’re just idle thoughts. Normal brainwaves. Passing fancies.

I don’t know about you, but I’m constantly looking at people and processing information. He’s hunky. He’s disgusting. Beautiful hair. Got dressed in the dark. Too old for those shorts. You know, stuff like that. Stuff you do not need to share with your partner, or anyone else.

However! IF I found myself changing my workout schedule to ensure I was always at the gym when the eminently shagable neighbor was there, it would be a completely a different story. If that were the case, there would definitely be something I should be telling my sweetie.

But it still wouldn’t be about the neighbor. It would be about our relationship.

It would mean there was something lacking in our relationship, something lacking in the satisfaction or intimacy department that was causing me to look elsewhere.

My friends, when you start looking for it someplace else, it’s because you ain’t getting’ it at home. After all, why do you go grocery shopping? Because there’s no friggin’ food in the fridge!

If you find yourself spending an awful lot of time banging out passionate emails to someone else online, or making sure your coffee breaks coincide with the hot blonde from accounting, your fridge must be getting a little empty.

As I’ve said many times before, most often, your desire to stray is a SYMPTOM of something else happening in your relationship. It is not the cause. Your desire to stray is caused by the lack of emotional or physical intimacy at home, so you begin to look elsewhere.

You definitely need to tell your partner how you’re feeling. Absolutely. But what you need to say (assuming it is the truth) is, “I love you but I’m not getting all I need from you. I want more of you.” You have a fairly decent chance of getting results when you start out by saying “I love you and I want more.” Doesn’t that sound better than, “I’m thinking of having an affair?” Because to the other person, “I’m thinking of having an affair” sounds a whole lot like “I want a whole lot less of you.” And that’s not what you mean.

If you want to stay in the relationship, and you want to make it work, tell the other person you want them. Tell them you love their touch and you love being with them and you want more of all of the above (and probably a little more below too). THAT’S the information they need.