Two Steps Forward, One Step Back

The last month has been a crazy roller-coaster of emotions and decisions. So very much has happed that the best thing to do is to pick up where I left off last.

After finding out I was pregnant last month I was in shambles. I thought I was sure I would not have the baby; I made the appointment and set up baby-sitting. I even prepared myself to have an even worse marriage then I already had (anything is possible). Surprisingly (haha), nothing worked out as expected…

After the initial shock and frustration of my decision to abort the baby, my hubby calmed down. I had to work on Friday and Saturday that week so it gave us two days with 11 hours each day to be away from each other. Well, apparently I was not the only one to do some soul searching.

He wanted to "talk" about my decision. The shock was that the conversation was not at all what I expected. He said that he would support me (and even defend my decision if needed) either way I chose. He wanted to talk about "us" and take children, current or future, out of the thought process. Not in a mean way, just in a "what will make US happy?" kind of way. He had come to the conclusion that he did not want a divorce, but wanted us to move forward with our life together, go to counseling again and be the happy couple we wanted to be and stop the roommate act.

It was very refreshing to hear, considering I no longer had the strength or desire to put any effort into starting conversations like this. So, once again we started over.

It's funny how your thought process changes when you take some of the bitterness and anger out of the decision of having a baby. When I was no longer mad as hell, bitter, mean and vengeful, it was a lot easier to look into myself, reflect on what I believe and would not regret.