What A Girl Wants, What A Girl Needs

Well, it was a year in the beginning of April since I told the ex that I wanted him to leave.  It will be the one year anniversary of me filing for divorce the Monday after Mother's Day.

It has been an eventful year and I have to say some of the worst and best of my life have happened during this time. 

I created a long list front and back of a legal sheet of "What I don't Want".  I like to write and my psychologist knows this.  She's had me write lots of lists and notes for myself.  I write for this website, had a personal blog that I wrote as well and write some things that I just save for me. 

I have seriously struggled with one assignment though.  The Dr. asked me to write a list of What I wanted and needed from a partner.  She asked me to do this months ago, way before dating was an option for me.

I thought about it a lot - could never really put anything down in writing though.  My best friend called me up a few months ago and asked me if I had done the same thing.  I told her no I hadn't.  She reminded me that I had told her to do the same thing about 6 years ago and that I really needed to focus on what those things were.

I guess part of me thought that there really wasn't a need to make this list.  I wasn't ever going to get married again so what matter did it make?  I thought it was kind of callous to write a list of what I wanted in another person - made it like shopping for a car or something.  I really am a romantic at heart - although that part of me seems to have been beaten down and twisted to the point that I'm not sure it really functions anymore like it used to.

This morning I was laying in bed after staying up way too late on a date thinking about the list.  My workout buddy had made a comment to me the morning before my date that kind of hit me like a ton of bricks.  She said "You need to find a nice guy and LET him be nice to you".  She could see what I couldn't, that I really don't have an expectation at all to be treated well.

Which brings me back to the list - see the list would require me to have EXPECTATIONS.  I don't like to have THOSE because I have a long history of them not being met.  Not just by my ex but by lots of people that have played a significant part in my life.  So, basically I'm avoiding the list because I don't want to be disappointed.

So, in the interest of self improvement I've decided to make a stab at it... so here goes.

1.  Honesty.  I've never had a relationship with a man that I loved that didn't end up with me being lied to in a really terrible way.  I'm not talking about "hey baby, this meatloaf is good...or you ass doesn't look fat in those jeans" - I'm talking about heartbreaking, massive deceit.  So, I want honesty.

2.  Encouragement - I need someone in my life that does not squash my dreams.  I was pretty well instructed on what was expected of me from a very early age.  I never really deviated from the plan even though it was not my own.  I'd like to be able to realize my own dreams and not have someone beside me telling me why I can't have them.

3. Fidelity - This is something that you just pretty much assume is guaranteed to you when you are dating exclusively or married.  I think in most cases that it couldn't be further from the truth though.  It goes both ways - I have just as many guy friends that have been cheated on as women friends.

4. Romance - I hate to admit it but I miss it.  I worry that it is fleeting though.  I do know a few couples who have been able to keep it going for many years though.

5.  Reliability - I want someone to rely on.  Not someone to hang on...or be dependent on.  Someone that when I'm having a really bad day - that I know I can call them and they will listen.  Calls when they say that they are going to call.   Someone that is in bed at bed time and at work when they are supposed to be.

6.  Sense of Humor - I need someone who can laugh at life.  I can't handle stuffy and buttoned up. 

7.  Patience - I can be a handful.  I'm stubborn on occasion.  I'm fiesty - a fireball of energy.  I'm strong willed.  I have trouble being with men who need to control their other half.