Lately, something has been bothering me. It’s 6’4, good looking and extremely selfish. Ok, so it’s not him per say. It’s actually my relationship with him. Or our former relationship. I had vowed to come up with a list of 50 nice things that J-Fed had done for me over the years to justify why I remained so madly in love with him. Yet once I got to 20, I was completely stumped. Now, I don’t mean stumped as in “Oh my, he’s done so many fantastic things for me I just don’t know how I’d ever possibly list them all.”
I mean stumped as in, even if I really reached to find 30 more nice things, I just couldn’t do it. Was I so jaded that I had blocked out every good deed he’d done over the last nine years? In an attempt to villianize poor J-Fed had I mentally erased the positive things he had contributed in our relationship? I highly doubted it, but in my heart I felt I needed to explore this matter further.
So who better to list his contributions to our marriage than the man himself, good old J-Fed. I went directly to the source. As luck would have it, I didn’t have to look far. When he strolled in to the house during a pitstop to pick up his go carts, he asked me what I was doing. I explained that in order to be more positive about our split I was creating a list of laurels for him. I went on further to tell him that I was coming up short and it appeared 20 was the magic number… and even that was a stretch.
“You’re kidding right? You can’t come up with 50 nice things I’ve done for you. That’s a load of crap. I’ll give you a list right now,” And so the Fedster sat down on the bed, reached into his pocket and pulled out a thimble-sized thinking cap, surely that would fit his peabrain.
We were going on fishing expedition together. It wasn’t much, but it was the first trip we’d taken together in years. J-Fed cast out his line to see how many bites he could get and this is what he came up with.
1. I used to go to your church instead of mine – For J-Fed, this deserved serious praise… and a couple of Hallelujahs. You see, he wasn’t a fan of standing up and singing. Of course, all TWO times he went to my church, Easter and well Christmas Eve, it was the praise services. So we’ll be generous and give this one to J-Fed. I can see where the ADHD poster child would prefer to sit through a two hour night mass that started about the same time his favorite go-cart show did.
2. I taught you how to fish – Although it wasn’t one of the top things I had to learn to do before I died, I did enjoy fishing. So yes, he did teach me to fish, only after I asked him. Why? Because it was something he loved to do, and I wanted to share in his hobbies. So for that we’ll give him ½ a prop.
3. I helped you catch your first fish – Ok, a little weak on this one, as it could very easily tie into number two. But since I already knew the list was going to be sparse, I gave him that one too.
4. I checked your bald spots for you – I’ll admit this was a nice one. While most men would probably cringe at the notion of their wife going bald, J-Fed was okay with it. He didn’t seem to mind the patches of missing hair, a byproduct of an out of whack thyroid condition. So he’ll get bonus points for that one. Every time he studied the thinning patches, he always pointed out that they “weren’t that bad.” It did make me feel somewhat better.
5. I used to never look at other women – This is fact. He never looked at other women despite the fact that they were always looking at him. Some of these women were even my friends yet J-Fed probably couldn’t have told you their hair or eye color. So perks for loyalty.
6. You were always number to me – Ok, maybe I was number one for awhile. However, if I was number one, I’d hate to see what it would be like to be number 20. Oh, that’s right, I currently know what it’s like to be last on the list. It sucks. Of course, it’s really not much different than being first on the list. So essentially this one negates itself.
7. I let you and your mom run the family – Here we go… Once again J-Fed, Kiki and Kuku ran the family since you had no interest in doing it yourself. Never once did you take it upon yourself to figure out what bills needed to be paid, what bills we had, what we needed from the grocery store, when the kids had to go to the doctors. I understand you work, but guess what? So do I. I have a demanding full-time job and if Kuku helped run the family, it was only to help out where I fell short.
8. I let you have the pick of the litter when we got a dog… and you picked a runt. – Reminder J-Fed. I didn’t want a puppy – you did. I was pregnant. When I couldn’t convince you NOT to get a dog, I at least figured I could get one that I would want. You get points for this only because the dog has proven to be far more loyal than you. At least if someone breaks into the house, he’ll be around to tear their throat out and protect the family. You, meanwhile, will be at your cozy apartment up the road.
9. I did anything and everything for your grandmother – Statement of fact. He did. He loved my grandmother very much and always showed her the utmost respect. I can’t deny this one.
10. I installed wooden floors in your mom’s house – He did. He also put up their shutters and cleaned up their house after it was damaged by the hurricane. The best part? Nobody had to ask him. Extra points, a gold star and a cookie for the Fedster.
11. I ran electrical wires for your parent’s new cabinets – He did. Point made.
12. I did my own laundry – Mmmmm. Not so much. Your laundry detail was few and far between. And even if you did your laundry, did it ever occur to you that I had laundry, as well as daughter one and two? So while you may have done your own laundry on occasion, I can count the number of times you did anyone else’s on one hand… and it was usually after you screwed up big time and were trying to make amends.
13. I would run up to the store at a moment’s notice to get you tampons, sinus medicine or Perrier – True. But you only did this because I was at home with the kids and it would’ve been too much to take them with me. You may have run to the gas station a few times, but I did the grocery shopping every week for the last nine years. So really, your small feats don’t add up to much.
14. I never kept track of how much money you owed me – That’s because you owed me so much more, lamebrain. Pointing out that you had lent me $5 here and there wouldn’t have behooved you.
15. I was never homophobic – At first I thought he was joking. How is that something that he did for me? Upon further thought I realized that maybe he was right. There are a lot of judgmental, homophobic people out there and while he was not one of them, we knew a few. J-Fed knew I had no tolerance for discrimination. He went on further to explain that I did have a lot of gay friends so that in itself should give him brownie points. Two points to the Fedster for not being a closed-minded patsy.
And there you have it my friends. Those, in addition to my earlier list, are the most special things that J-Fed did for me over the last nine years. Maybe I do expect too much. Maybe I should have kept my big fat mouth shut and counted my blessings for what I had. However, when I said “I do”, I had higher expectations for him.
I thought I’d have someone who would respect me as a wife, a mother, a professional and a person. But by and large, he managed to somehow make me feel weak in all of those areas. Maybe our sex life wasn’t the best. Maybe I did give daughter a little too much leeway sometimes. Maybe I did work too much (although in the next breath he’d accuse me of not working enough) and maybe I’m not the best person.
Maybe, just maybe, that’s the way J-Fed viewed me. But lucky for me, I don’t hold myself by his standards, as he no longer holds himself by mine.