When Push Comes To Shove

I'll never forget the last time my EX blindsided me.

It was Saturday and my daughter and I were leaving on vacation the next day.  It was our first vacation, just the two of us. The implication of that was a little mind-numbing. I just wanted to have a good time with her. We were going to be gone two whole weeks, driving up the coast of California and visiting friends in San Francisco. Then heading south to Monterey and Santa Barbara for a couple of days. I was looking forward to finally getting away.  

I missed the last three summer vacations with my husband and daughter because I was
working.  When you’re a freelance writer, you never know when your next job will come from, so it's hard to turn it down. And since our mortgage required two salaries, I had no choice but to work. So when jobs would come up in the summer, my EX and daughter invariably would vacation without me. I never wanted to be away from them. And deep down I wish my EX had said, “Screw the work, honey, come be with us.” Or “Hey, we’ll stay home with you and do fun stuff around the house.” But he never did.
 
My EX was taking my daughter to her last therapy session before our vacation. He called me from the waiting room. “You have to come right now,” he said anxiously. “I thought I could leave while she was in therapy, but the doctor said you have to be here first.”  

The reason my EX was in a hurry to leave was because the woman he was obsessed with was moving out of town, and he had offered to help her load the truck. (Hell, even I would have pitched in.) He was beside himself, not wanting to be late, wanting to be the hero again to this woman who wasn't the least bit interested in him. It was like talking to a horny teenage boy. I told him I’d be there after I ran some errands. When I showed up in the waiting room, he was so grateful. “Thank you for coming,” he said, gushing like I was about to donate my kidney to him. Then he dropped the bomb.  

“By the way, I’ve decided that beginning next month, I can no longer pay half the mortgage to the house.”

Oh. My. God.

“You can’t do that.” I said. “We agreed we would share the cost of the house until we sold it.” He smiled slyly. “I don’t remember saying that.”

Now I’m panicking. I’m about to take a two week vacation with my daughter. I’ll have all these expenses and hotel bills to pay. My EX is talking about burdening me with the entire mortgage. He’s chosen this moment right before I leave to tell me, to ruin my time with my daughter. “Why are you telling me now?” I asked. “You’re deliberately trying to spoil my trip.”

“Oh honestly,” he said. “Would any time have been good to tell you?”

“Yes! Telling me after the vacation would have been a damn sight better. But it still would have been bullshit!” We are the only two people in the therapist's waiting room. Good thing. Cause now we are yelling and pointing fingers and the room was quickly filling with anger and fear.

It was galling that he caught me off-guard again and thought he could get away with it. That he thinks he can just keep walking away from his responsibilities. I stride over to where he’s sitting and I’m practically jabbing my finger in his face as I say, “I’m not going to let you get away with this. This is outrageous. You’re going to keep paying the mortgage so that Sarah can stay there until the end of fifth grade and she can have closure in that house…”

He stands up, “Well I’ve made my decision,“ he says. “And I’m not going to pay any more.” He turned to leave.

That’s when I blindsided him.

It was totally instinctive and unpremeditated. When he stood up and turned, my arms shot out and I shoved him. I shoved him with a strength bordering on superhuman.  Because my EX wasn’t looking, he was caught totally off balance and he went sprawling against the waiting room table and chairs. It’s the first time I’ve ever seen him look uncoordinated or helpless. You should have seen the shocked look on his face. The rage I felt was beyond anything I had ever felt before. It was an unwelcome kinship with other incidents I’d only read about on the Internet and in the papers.

When he recovered his balance, he jumped into my face and said threateningly,
“You want to shove me again?”

I stood my ground, and said slowly, ”Oh I should have shoved you a long time ago.”

At that he turned and walked quickly out the door. I followed him, adrenaline pumping and called him a shithead.  I followed him right up to his car, stood in front of it and extended my middle finger in the supreme gesture of defiance. I don’t use that gesture lightly. I’ve never flipped off anyone I know.  And yet, there I was pointing it right at my husband, the man I used to love, for all the world to see. I wasn’t fully conscious of it at the time, but I think I wanted to make sure he never had any second thoughts. There was no way he could express a desire to reconcile after that.

Hyperventilating, and crashing from the adrenalin high, I realized what a f*cking idiot I'd been. I had now given my EX the opportunity to use my righteous anger against me.  He could call his attorney and say that I attacked him.  He could get a restraining order against me and that could damage my custody efforts with my daughter.
 
I called my attorney and had to leave a message because it was Saturday. I called my attorney friend J and told him what had just happened and what I had done.  “That was stupid.” He said matter-of-factly. But he didn’t think it was going to be bad. When I finally spoke to my attorney he told me not to worry about it, but not to do anything like it again.    

The one advantage I had was that our house wasn’t finished being remodeled. And as much as my EX wanted to be released from the responsibility, he had to keep paying until it was done.

I have to admit, I sometimes play that shoving scene in my head. I don’t know who that woman was, but I’m glad she won’t let anyone push me around.