When the slug slithers back

The scariest scene in the horror movie is right at the end where you think the monster is dead and gone, but then he suddenly appears for one last desperate grasp. It’s not so different in relationships.

You’ve ended it – or maybe he’s ended it. You’ve been through weeks or months of painful hell as you try to get over it and move on. You go through long phases of self-hatred. How could I have been so stupid as to fall for this dweeb and his dweeb-crap? You go through phases of dweeb-hatred. Miserable, selfish loser. What a turd, If I never see him again it will be too soon.

And then the unthinkable happens.

He comes crawling back.

But unlike the movies, it’s not one shocking entrance. It’s little smelly toes in the water. A text message. Maybe an email or two. Maybe he sends a card, or flowers.

Of course you don’t respond. So he ups the ante. A tearful phone call. Probably late at night. And he starts trying to push all your buttons. Your insecure buttons. Your guilt buttons. He tries to light that little flame – the one that kept your Dream alive.  The one that kept you in the relationship way longer than you ever should have stayed. 

Listen to me. Do NOT fall for it.

When this happens, when he comes sliming back, it is not about you. It’s all about HIM.

He’s lonely and miserable. He’s lost the power to torment you and he wants that power back. He doesn’t want to be back together because he loves you and realizes the error of his ways. He wants to be back together because he doesn’t like being alone.

There’s nothing necessarily insidious about that. Many of us stay in bad relationships because the prospect of being alone is more terrifying than being with someone, but unhappy. Frankly, I do not understand that point of view, but that’s just me.

In the case of your sluggy ex, he had power when he had you in the relationship. He could control your moods and actions depending on his moods and actions. He pulled the strings. Or at least he felt that way.

And once you’re gone and on your own, that power evaporates. For a particular type of man, the loss of that power is terrifying. He will do almost anything to get it back. Even if it means crawling back on his hands and knees. Even if it means promising to change and give you everything you want.

But you fall for it at your peril.

Of course reconciliations are possible. People make mistakes. Or maybe timing was wrong. You grow up, mature, change your priorities. It can happen.

Rarely.

In all the experience I’ve had, all the stories I’ve heard, the outcome is the same. He’s not gonna change and you’re setting yourself up for more heartache and unhappiness if you fall for it.

One of the hardest things to get over when a relationship ends is the nagging insecurity of how could he NOT want me? It’s terribly painful to feel you are no longer desirable.

But when he tries to slither back into your life it’s NOT because he had an epiphany and realized how wonderful and desirable you are.

He doesn’t want YOU in his life.  He wants to put HIMSELF back on the throne again. Don’t allow him his coronation.

The only throne he should be on is the one where he never put the lid down.

Do you have a slug problem? Send me an email. And for more wit and wisdom, read some free samples from my book, Do I Need To Slap You?