Yes! Yes! Yes! That wonderful moment when you surrender to unbridled passion and open your arms (or whatever) to sex. You know when it’s right.
Pretty much.
Most of the time.
Or do you? Do you know when it’s wrong? When you might be better off saying, “Gosh, thanks but no thanks.” When the best response might be to walk briskly in the opposite direction. When it might be a good idea to think ahead and consider the implications of the next 10 minutes or so. (Some of you are thinking TEN minutes! Wow. An athlete.)
But do you really know when it’s okay to say no? Or even, when you MUST say no? I think we put too much emphasis on saying yes, rather than putting a little thought against why throwing caution to the wind, having a little fling and saying what the heck might not be such a good idea after all. Cool your jets, and turn down your afterburners if any of the following apply:
1. It doesn’t feel right. The way I look at it, sex is supposed to feel good. Now perhaps that viewpoint is too “conventional,” but that’s my opinion. Feeling good and sex should go hand in hand (or wherever you prefer). If you ever get into a situation where it doesn’t feel good or right, or even the IDEA of it doesn’t feel good, don’t do it. Say no. Politely, of course. Firmly, if need be. But “no” just the same.
Yes, we’re all supposed to be unselfish, giving lovers, but that assumes we want to be doing it in the first place. Better to say no, than go through the motions, fake enjoyment or communicate disgust. The first person you need to be true to is yourself, then you can deal with your partner. If you’re really not enjoying it, your partner won’t either. And if he or she does enjoy it when you’re not, you need a new partner.
2. You’re not prepared to deal with the consequences. No matter how much you’d rather live in a fantasy world of candles, lace, whipped cream and stilettos, reality WILL intervene. Serious stuff can happen when you have sex. Like pregnancy. Communicable disease. Deeper emotions and expectations. As easily as you sow the seeds of love, you may also be sowing deceit, disappointment or heartache. Can you handle that? Have you really thought it out?
If you’re starting a new relationship, whatever the circumstances, are you prepared to deal with the potential outcome, physically and mentally? If the answer is no, you should be saying no. Would you get behind the wheel of your car, steaming drunk, without insurance and no seatbelt? I certainly hope not. Which leads me to another point.
3. You wouldn’t do it sober. Funny how a few cocktails can make things seem like a good idea – things you wouldn’t dream of doing in the cold light of day. If part of your foreplay requires slamming back a couple of drinks (I was going to say stiff ones, but I’m talking about BEFORE, not during), then you ought to change your plans. Be honest. If you need to drug yourself into submission before you’ll do something, you probably really don’t want to do it anyway.
4. You and your partner have different agendas. One of you is in love. The other, in lust. One of you needs relief from a cold, dead marriage. The other needs a soul mate. Baby, you’re looking for love in all the wrong places. If you’re not doing if for the same reasons, you’ll end up hurt.
Think of it like sharing a meal together. Generally, you eat when you’re hungry – you eat to satisfy a common need. You don’t eat to make the other person feel better. You don’t think she’ll fall in love with you because you shared meatloaf. You don’t eat because he wants you to. You eat because you want food. The difference with food is you can each order different entrees. With sex, you’re eating off the same plate.
Obviously sharing is important when you’re having sex with someone, but I think it’s most important that you think of yourself first. Is it something you really want? Don’t make love because you think you should, or because the other person wants it, or because you owe them something. Make love because you really want to.
In the best case, sex is a pleasurable physical activity, and ideally, a tangible expression of affection, if not love. In the worst case, it’s a duty, a punishment, a disappointment. It is almost always a manifestation of the state of your relationship. If your relationship is good and communication is open, your sex will be good. If your relationship is bad, your sex life will be too.
If you need to say no, it’s probably not that you don’t like sex, but that you don’t like the situation. Don’t let anyone make you feel like a prude or “frigid” because you need to say no sometimes. Unless you’re a priest (well, hmm, maybe not even then), saying no to sex doesn’t mean “no, never,” it means “no, not like this.” And the only one who can decide that for you is you.