Why I Haven't Left Yet

I am sure some people are wondering if I am so unhappy then why don’t I just go. Just pack up my stuff and leave. I ask myself that everyday too. I know I need to go. Life is short, and I don’t want to spend years and years of it being unhappy. Those are years I will never get back. So here are my reasons for not leaving YET. Once I can get pass these things (and I am working on it) I know I will be able to walk out the door and never look back. 
 
We do have our good days. Better put, he has his good days. Days when he isn’t angry at the world and blaming me. We talk, we laugh, we have fun, and he is the sweetest person ever. On those days I see the person he used to be, the guy I fell in love with, and the man I remember wanting to spend the rest of my life with.  On those days I think -- is the fighting really so bad?

All couples fight. We can make this work. I know this is a whole lot of crap I am thinking. What I normally do on his good days is still act like he is having a bad day. I ignore him. I don’t talk to him. Problem is, I am really sick of having bad days and want a good day for myself. I end up hanging out with him just so I can have some fun. Then my whole lot of crap thinking starts…
 
We have history. If we split up what do I do with all the photos? Burn them, throw them out? What about all the memories? Just forget everything. I look at our prom pictures, our Disney World pictures, and our wedding pictures. I was so happy then. Can I just let that go? I know that a past is no reason to stay in a bad relationship, but man it is hard for me to let go of. 
 
I am comfortable with him. I can be myself around him. I can do anything and know he won’t mind. I can burp, pass gas, act silly, make dumb comments, walk around nude without worrying about what I look like, skip shaving my legs for days, go to the bathroom with the door open and have bad breath in the morning. You get the idea. I can do pretty much whatever and know he doesn’t care. I really like this. Will I ever be this comfortable with anyone else?
 
He knows me best. He knows all the things about me that no one else knows. Things I would never tell anyone, he knows all of them. He knows everything about me. All my secrets, my favorite things, my hopes and dreams, and my thoughts and opinions. It’s just really nice having someone who knows you so well.
 
The thought of never seeing him again doesn’t make me happy. You would think since he is making me so miserable I would be happy to rid my life of him. Whether its strange or what the fact is that is just not true. I would still wonder- How is he doing? Did he ever get that promotion he wanted? How’s his family? The idea of never seeing him or hearing his voice again makes me sad. I know I don’t want to be married to him, but I wish we could at least be friends. At least call and say, hey what’s going on, every few months. I know this is a fantasy because if I were to leave him he would never agree to be friends. So I just need to get over it.