Why it's easier to cheat

Recently someone I know (a married someone) confided in me that for the last year or so he’d been having an affair with another women, and decided “in the short term” he could not go on with this extra-marital relationship and would have to end it. I suggested it was perhaps time to think about the long term, because it appeared to me he hadn’t come to terms with whether he wants to stay in his current marriage, let alone think about another one. The really odd thing is, about two years ago, his wife actually left HIM – not for another man, not because he was with someone else, but because it wasn’t working with him. Why didn’t he just end it there? I haven’t had the chance to ask him.

But in the meantime, I have an opinion. I always have an opinion.

Ending a relationship actually takes effort – in some cases, even more effort than “working on it.” Ending a painful relationship means admitting mistakes – in judgement or communication - and completely changing your life.

When you end a relationship – whether you’re married or not – your life has to change. And the longer you’ve been together, the more has to change. The way you think about yourself, the way your friends and family think about – it all changes. Even your habits change. Whatever your other half used to handle, YOU now have to handle. Taking out the garbage, paying the bills, making dinner, doing the laundry, controlling the remote – it’s now all YOUR responsibility.

For many people, change is very, very scary. Not to mention, the effort that’s involved in making that change. It’s much easier to maintain the status quo (painful though it is) rather than start all over. This fear of change can masquerade as “trying to make it work.”

Now, trying to make it work is a wonderful objective. Actually MAKING it work is the challenge. And that of course takes effort, and change.

In the case of my friend, I would venture to guess he was deeply afraid of change. So when his wife walked out, the fear of being single again was so great (greater than whatever unhappiness he was experiencing in the marriage), he desperately wanted her back. They did get back together. And his life was able to continue as it had before – with very little effort, and very little change. It was easy.

Of course that’s not entirely true. Somewhere along the next year or so, he embarked on an affair with another woman. Which surely takes SOME effort! And also some change.

He had to change his routines and his stories to fit this other relationship in. How he prioritized his time, and spent his money all changed! After all, it takes quite a bit of work to keep an affair going – and keep it secret. It takes a lot of energy to maintain appearances in your marriage while you’re having a parallel passionate life.

Rather than channel that effort into his current spouse, or admitting the marriage was simply not working, he worked very hard on juggling. He went from being a coward to being a cheat. Eeeuw. It was easier for him to lie about having an affair (and actually have one) than honestly confront the problems in his marriage.

Okay, show of hands, how many of you have been through this situation? Don’t be afraid to raise your hands, I can’t see you (but I do know you’re out there). Maybe you weren’t (or aren’t) having an affair, but you stayed or are staying in a bad relationship because you’re afraid of making the change.

You can convince yourself that sticking with it is the right thing to do for whatever reason you want to give, but I have a sneaking suspicion that for many of you, the real reason you stick it out is because you’re so afraid of making the effort that goes along with change.

Well let me tell you a little secret. YOU’VE ALREADY CHANGED! And so has your partner, or you wouldn’t be unhappy now, would you?? Ah – but the difference is, that was GRADUAL change. So gradual, you didn’t really see it happening. Ending your relationship, or openly and honestly expressing your feelings would result in an ABRUPT change. That’s the scary part.

The thing is, if there’s stress or a problem in your relationship, it’s going to find its way out one way or another. It’s going to manifest itself SOMEWHERE in your life. You’ll have an affair, or terrible heartburn, stop eating, start drinking, eat too much, shop compulsively or some combination of everything. At some point you MUST confront the issue.  Trying to pave over it never works.

I’m not advocating either breaking up at the drop of a hat or heavy-duty counseling. All I’m saying is, if you stay in an unhappy relationship to work on it, you better have an honest heart-to-heart with yourself to make sure that’s what you really want to do.  Don’t kid yourself that you’re staying in a relationship to “work on it” rather than face the effort of ending it. Sometimes staying “in” is the easy way out.

Are you looking for an escape route? Send me an email. And if you want to read a few more choice tidbits, check out my book, “Do I Need To Slap You?” It’s full of straightforward, manure-free wit and wisdom. .