Why J-Fed Gets No Credit

Tonight was no different than any other night, same J-Fed, different stupidity. On this balmy, beautiful evening, I donned my hat as J-Fed’s business accountant when suddenly everything turned quite ugly. Lighting crashed. Thunder rolled. Yes, something wicked this way come, and that something was J-Fed’s credit card bill. Now, let me preface this by saying I handle J-Fed’s finances because, well, he sucks. Those can do, and those who can’t, well, they go bankrupt and end up living under a bridge.

Hmmmm. Suddenly a spot in Tent City seemed quite apropos for our dear J-Fed.

Anyways, the Fedster relinquished control of his finances after blowing $20,000 plus in go-carts – need I say more? Sure, that money could have been spent on a number of things – an addition to the house, a romantic getaway for two to Jamaica, a few plasma tv’s, or even a small house for his cat. But no, it was go go go carts.

Now, after J-Fed’s out of control spending spree I took the reigns and a moratorium was placed on his spending. I soooo wanted to believe that he was doing the right thing. I didn’t see any additional car parts rolling in so I felt safe in believing that he was keeping his word.

But then the credit card bill arrived, and it was a case of shock and awe that I hadn’t felt since he pissed in the armoire. As I picked up the envelope, I immediately received a jolt of pain in my elbow; it felt much heavier than usual. You see, when you don’t place a lot of charges on your card, the bill is light and flat and you breathe a sigh of relief when it’s placed in your hand. But ooooooooohhhhhhhh noooooooooo. This sucker was fat and chock full of J-Fed’s seedy spending secrets.

Upon first examining the itemized bill, I noticed a few charges at the gas station. Although he reminded of Fred Flinstone, I was resigned to the fact that he did need fuel – those lazy feet weren’t going to yabba dabba do him anywhere. To show him that he’d done a good thing, I place a small yellow smiley face and a capital A next to the charge for acceptable.

Further down, I saw outstanding charges for boat parts, a good sign that he was indeed working. Once again, I marked down the smiley face and another A. But then in a brutal wave, the world came crashing down.

1/20 $30
1/23 $60
1/27 $150
1/28 $100
2/1 $45
2/4 $465 !!!!!!!

Do I dare tell you where he incurred these charges? Why at the a-hole’s local watering hole? That’s right. The Fedster had racked up charges left and right on beer and wings and steak sandwiches oh my. And let’s not forget that the Fedster feels people in the hospitality are underpaid which means half of all those charges were going in to SOME BARTENDER’S POCKETS. Need I mention that these bartenders are 21, blonde and dying for J-Fed to take them out?

Oh, someone is going to take J-Fed out, and it’s going to be me. For the love of God, is it humanly possible to spend that much money on food and alcohol and not suffer some severe bout of alcohol poisoning? Well, Kiki will tell you – it sure is WHEN YOU’RE BUYING ROUNDS for every Tom, Dick & Harry in the bar.

I can picture it now.

“J-Fed, I sure had a rough day today. It rained so I couldn’t golf,” says idiot #1.

“Oh, Tom, I’m so sorry. Girls, get Tom your biggest filet mignon and a bottle of Dom on me. And give yourselves a big tip too!” says the BIGGEST IDIOT ever.

I don’t know about you, but I can think of a far better ways to spend almost $900… like on a lobotomy… for J-Fed.