Will The Real Kiki Please Stand Up?

Lately, I’ve been doing a great deal of self-inventory. Now, that I’m back in the dating world, I’ve put a lot of thought into who I am… and who I used to be. Although it took months, I realized a while back that the divorce was the best thing that could ever happen to J-Fed and I. And now that I no longer have a focus on him or think about our relationship, I have plenty of time to think about myself.

In another lifetime, I was “that girl,” the one who wanted to please everyone. I’m sure I preferred to keep my shortcomings under wraps. Who doesn’t? Back then, I was a simpler person. I didn’t have baggage. I didn’t have 10 years experience riding the rollercoaster of love and hate. Today, I’m a far different person.

When I first started going on dates post J-Fed, I’m sure I came across as your average divorcee. I’m a professional woman. I’m educated. I’m funny. But after a few dates, I started realizing I wasn’t letting myself free to be me.

I’m rough around the edges. Really. I swear like a sailor. I’m sarcastic. I’m passionate. I’m honest, sometimes to a fault. I’m cynical. I have a larger-than-life personality. I spend my spare time blogging about how much I hate my ex-husband. I’m disorganized in some respects of my life. I’ve been known to lock myself out of the house at inopportune times and forget to lock the house at all ata other times. That’s who I am.

And I’m not ashamed of it. Some guy can take it. Some guys can leave it.

But do you think in a million years I’d ever put that in my online dating profile. Of course not. Who in their right mind would?

So as I spend hours on the phone speaking to complete strangers and feeling like I’m not, I’ve begun likening the experience to fraud. I mean, it’s rare that I have a conversation without uttering the word sh*t… at least five times. Yet, speaking to any of these guys, you’d never know I’m the patron saint of profanity, that I don’t open my mail most days (although I’ve never been late on a bill) or that I prefer to frequently take the road less traveled.