You ALWAYS have a choice

Do you have a nose on your face? Well that’s very handy (or nosey, I suppose).

The reason why I ask is, I get a lot of emails from people asking for advice on relationships and marriages, and what to do when there’s a problem. People are looking for help and guidance with predicaments such as “my husband doesn’t want sex with me anymore” or “I’m unhappy with my boyfriend” or even “I hate my job.”

Well I have good news. Although the specific action points for each of these may be different, the choices you have are not only consistent, but as plain as the nose on your face (and we’ve already established you do indeed have one).

Whenever there is something in your life you’re not happy about, you ALWAYS have these three choices:

1. Find out how to fix it.
2. Keep it exactly the same.
3. Do something completely different.

The great thing is, if one doesn’t work, you can always try another. For example, “my husband doesn’t want sex with me anymore.” Well, the first thing to do is find out how to fix it. Speak with your husband and find out what he’s feeling and what makes him feel that way. Maybe he isn’t able to talk to you about it, because it has to do with how he feels about you. Perhaps he would consider counseling. Maybe it’s a medical problem and he needs to see a doctor. Or maybe it’s something you can solve together with better communication, which makes the problem magically disappear.

But perhaps there is an impasse. He won’t talk about it. You can’t change what’s bothering him. No matter what, a solution is impossible. If that’s the situation, you must  consider your second choice, which is keeping everything exactly the same.

After all, you’ve been together all these years. If you still love each other, there are many other great things you share – sex just isn’t one of them. As I always (and I do mean always) say, everything in life is a trade-off. Perhaps it simply makes more sense, from a financial, business, or family perspective to just stay together. If that’s the choice you make, you should ultimately feel resolution and contentment. You’ve thought about it carefully, and that’s what makes the most sense.

But maybe it doesn’t. Maybe you can’t bear to keep things the same. Your husband won’t talk to you about it. You’ve gone to counseling by yourself and it hasn’t helped. You can’t stand the thought of staying in this loveless marriage for another 15 years – let alone even one. In which case you must consider your final choice: doing something completely different. Perhaps it’s time to move on.

The issue most people have with solving problems is not that they don’t understand the choices they have, but rather they are unable or afraid to act.

I am certain you go through the three obvious choices in your head, but when you come to what you know is the correct answer – and it’s not the easy answer you want – you go around again, and end up going in circles. Around and around, unable to sleep, unable to think about anything else or do anything about it. The problem is, deep inside you know the answer. That itching, burning sensation isn’t hemorrhoids, but the truth, itching and burning to get out.

 So you know what you do instead? You complain. Complaining is very useful – but not for what you think. Complaining does not relieve the problem, or make it go away. The desire to complain is your gut’s way of reminding you something needs to change – that you need to take action. And just in case you missed it the first time, I will remind you of your three choices:

1. Find out how to fix it. (so you have no reason to complain).
2. Keep it exactly the same (accept your fate and stop complaining).
3. Do something completely different (remove the source of your complaint).

Remember, with each problem or challenge that comes your way, you ALWAYS have choices. Even if you always elect to keep everything exactly the same, go through the process of evaluating the pros and cons of each choice so you understand and accept why you’re not going to do anything about it. Then immediately stop beating yourself up about it, and move on with your life. And most importantly, stop complaining.

Ok, but you can still complain to me. And for more wit and wisdom, check out my book.