You are SO right

Do you think it’s possible that maybe he’s not the only one pushing buttons?

Do you think you’ve never, ever been in the wrong?

Have you never clammed up and gotten mad because he was supposed to know what you wanted, but then you were too steamed up to tell him?

And you’ve never ever kept something from him he shouldn’t really know?

How many times did you stay quiet when he said stupid things before you spoke up?

When will you finally say, “You know it doesn’t feel good when you do that, but I sure like this.”

How many months did you do something through gritted teeth, hating him for it instead of refusing to do it?

After the first moment you figured out he wasn’t the man for you, how long did you stick around?

How many hours did you spend discussing your frustration with your girlfriends rather than with your mate?

How many nights do you just roll over onto your side because you can’t be bothered to discuss it?

I’m just asking.  Because, you know, it takes two to tango (and I know that because I was just on vacation in Colombia and actually saw two people tango).

The thing is, when we hurt, and we know who hurt us, it’s very easy to blame the other person for everything. 

Now, the first time he hurts you, you are very probably right to blame him.   After all, completely unprovoked, he hurt you.

But the second time he does something stupid, or says something evil – and I know I won’t be popular for saying this, but then again, this is my “shtick” -  who’s fault is that? If you didn’t say anything the first time, why is it any surprise he did it again?

If you did say something, but he did it again, are you really going to let it happen a third time?  At what point do you put your foot down, and provide consequences upon which you fully intend to follow through?

Sometimes through our own actions or most often, inactions, we allow certain behaviors to continue or even accelerate. If you don’t pull the weed, it continues to grow.

Bad behavior should not be tolerated or explained away. For all my fellow hags who are ragging here, I KNOW none of these things happened overnight. We weren’t completely silent ALL the time. We did stuff. We said things.  Just maybe not the right things.

I have a friend who knowingly pushes her husband’s buttons. She says stuff that pisses him off. He gets pissed off. They argue. It happens at least daily. I dunno. Some people feed on conflict. Maybe they enjoy the making up. But for my money, I’d rather spend time with as little stress as possible in my life. One way or another, there is a cumulative effect of all that stress. At the very minimum, it’s energy you could have spent some other way. I don’t know about you, but I’m not getting any younger, and I really don’t want to spend precious minutes with a scowl on my face. More wrinkles I don’t need.

So I don’t do things to make a point.

I won’t go to bed mad.

Dredging up the past is not going to help my present or my future.

Beating around the bush is inefficient. 

I force myself to express my needs. And I provide consequences. I’ll give you two examples.

I don’t have children. But as a scuba instructor, I recently had a class of seven children. Boys to be exact. They were messing around, doing some stupid things in the pool that could be very dangerous in the ocean. To prevent them from doing it, I knew I had to provide some pretty powerful consequences for their actions. What did they care most about? Passing the course. So I told them if they did what they were doing in the pool, they would be out of the water and they would not pass the course. They could do it another time, but not that week. They. Would. Not. Pass. And you know what? They were perfect angels in the ocean.

Another example. I make little lunch meals for my honey and pack them in plastic containers. He loves them. But sometimes, he leaves the plastic containers at work or in his car for days at a time. When they come home, and I need to rinse them and put them in the dishwasher, the rotten food fumes could knock out a cow.  I got tired of it, and I decided I’m not doing it anymore. I gave him a new policy effective immediately. YOU rinse those suckers out. Or no more lunches. Ever. And since then, I’ve never had to rinse out another stinky Tupperware.

I’m not saying it’s all your fault that stuff happens. I’m just suggesting that maybe it’s partially your fault they’ve continued. It’s up to you to put your foot down, stop playing games, and make certain there really is an “or else.”