You Can Do Better

I get lots of emails from ladies who think they are deeply in love with men, who for various reasons, are either unavailable or inappropriate, or both. Mostly both. Despite their concerns, these ladies are also certain they will never be able to find another love if they let go of this one.

Every single one of these gals says to me, “Aside from this and this and this and this, he’s perfect.” Well, excuse me for shouting, but NO he’s NOT!

Nobody is ever perfect. Perfect is “being entirely without fault or flaws.” Perfect is “satisfying all requirements.” You’ve already told me about all his flaws, and he’s certainly not satisfying all your requirements. How can he be perfect?

Girls, wake up and smell the Pop-Tarts!

You know, when I was growing up, I’d bring home some lug I was dating, and my parents (especially mom) would tut-tut, and eventually a day or two later, the dreaded comment would emerge: “You can do better.”

You know how much I hated that comment? First of all I hated it because in my parents’ case, no one could ever be “better” enough for me. And second of all, I hated it because they were sometimes right (although I’ll never admit how many times).

Now, lucky for both of us, I’m not your mom, but I AM looking out for you. And when you tell me about the issues these guys are making you endure, I’m compelled to utter that timeless cry, YOU CAN DO BETTER!

Why do you continue to torture yourself with that schlub? Because you think you deserve it?  Well, let me ask you a question. Is he the last man on Earth?  I mean if he truly is the very last man on Earth, maybe you ought to hold on to him. But the last time I looked at the statistics, there seemed to be a fairly decent supply of breathing men on the planet.

You do not need to be desperate. You do not need to endure selfish, uncaring, unfeeling behavior on the part of ANYone. You wouldn’t accept it from your best friend. Why do you accept it from your “lover?”

I wish I could understand why so many people feel being in a miserable relationship is better than being in no relationship at all. It absolutely amazes me that you can take an hour or two of pleasure that happened once or twice and then use it to justify months, if not years of misery. Is it really preferable to be able to say you have “someone,” when that “someone” ignores you, hurts you, or lies to you?

I know it’s hard to just turn your feelings off, like you’re turning off a spigot (you know, faucet). But that’s what you must do. Turn it off. Trust me, your brain will work itself out over time.

I mean, if you stick your hand on a hot burner, you take it off! You don’t leave your hand there to get all crispy while you consider whether it’s possible the burner will get cooler, or think about what made the burner hot in the first place. You take your hand off fergawdsakes. It hurts. You stop doing what makes your hand hurt.
This probably seems like a regular mantra with me, but I am compelled to say it once again. What makes relationships so very, very hard to get over is not the end of the relationship so much as the end of the DREAM. The reality of your relationship was pain and heartache. The dream was perfect. If only. IF ONLY. It’s very sad to see that dream disappear.

Dreams are good things. They motivate us, and give our lives purpose, but they should NOT repeat NOT be used to justify or excuse pain and heartache caused by other people -other grown-up and responsible people in your relationships. You can do better. You DESERVE better.

Life is unfair, and unequal. Some people have to endure way more tragedy than others. And it seems like other people have all the luck. But I can’t think of a single reason why you need to subject yourself to a painful relationship when you have the choice to be in it or not. If you were able to find this “love” (such as it is), you will find it again. And besides, you don’t really want this same love again anyway. You want something better.

Still getting burned in your relationship? Email me. And if you’d like a little more candid advice, check out my book, “Do I Need To Slap You?”