You Give, He Takes

Can you please help me with something? I don’t understand these emails I’ve received:

“My boyfriend has been out of work for over year. He lives with me and our son, but he hasn’t tried to find a job for months. I’m working to support all of us. My boyfriend goes out a lot on weekends, and sometimes doesn’t come home until the next day. But the thing is, I really love him.”

Excuse me?

Or how about this one: “I’ve been married 14 years to my husband and it’s like I don’t exist.  At night when he comes home, he hardly talks to me, just watches TV. We never go out, and I think the last time we had sex was 6 months ago. If I ever try to talk to him about it he just gets angry at me. But I love him completely and can’t imagine living without him.”

Well, yeah, I suppose after 14 years of that it WOULD be hard to imagine not being miserable.

But am I something missing here? What definition of “love” are these women using?

Now I know there are many different types of love. There’s the love you feel for your children. The love you feel for your pet. Or your best friend. I have many pairs of shoes I absolutely love. I  LOVE getting a massage. But the love I feel for my partner is something completely different.

I respect and admire him as a person. I enjoy being with him, and of course I find him very attractive. But I also get a lot in return. He cares about me, listens to my problems and shares the load of life. I love him for that.

Call me selfish, but I think part of the definition of romantic love is getting something back. I couldn’t love someone or want to stay in a relationship with someone if it was only a one-way exchange. I might admire and respect him as a person, but I certainly couldn’t be IN love.

The ladies in these emails may share many years of experience with these men. They may even care about them and respect them as people (although based on what they say, I can’t imagine why). But saying they LOVE these men?

I think it’s the IDEA of love they love. The idea of having a husband or partner. The idea of the father of your child. The idea of a life-long companion. 

When I hear these stories from people who say they love their partners, despite how poorly they’re being treated, I don’t hear love, I hear fear. Fear of being alone. As long as they can keep telling themselves they love these losers, they can convince themselves they’re in a relationship – albeit one way.

A partner, boyfriend, girlfriend, husband or wife who doesn’t respect you, care about you or  treat you with love, doesn’t deserve yours. There’s no point in loving ‘em if they won’t love you back.