You want fries with that?

With all the recent discussion in the news about how much both men AND women talk, it is amazing to me that we are still so terrible at actually communicating. As I mentioned before, we’re superb at complaining – particularly after the fact. We excel at profanity and bad-mouthing.  We have elevated the retelling of injustice and unfairness to a high art.

But get anyone to openly and honestly express their needs to a significant other? Fahgedaboutit.

I think it’s because we’re just too damn afraid to rock the boat. In relationships, there is great pressure to maintain a picture of happiness. Everything is just fine! Of COURSE we love each other. We took vows, right? We had a big, fat wedding. Now we have a house and kids. Ok, so you just hurt my feelings, but I’ll let this one go because we had such a nice time last month on our “date”, and the holidays are coming up.  Yes, I wish you were more affectionate and attentive, but I know you’re stressed at work, and I am too. So I’ll just treat myself to a manicure and I’ll feel better. I used to admire the way you were so unafraid to change jobs and try new things and not worry about the next paycheck, but now I really DO worry about the next paycheck and how we’re going to pay the bills. But I’ll keep it to myself because I don’t want to put extra pressure on the situation.

And then is it any surprise when the issues finally erupt to the surface in an explosion of tears and anger?

It has generally been my experience that little problems in relationships don’t just simply go away on their own accord. They either go away because they’re addressed early on, or they blow up big time. I am also quite certain all the things that piss you off right now were there from the very start – but you elected to ignore them – or  figured you could fix them somehow (of course without discussing them directly).

You know, we are very, very good at communicating in most situations other than interpersonal relationships.  Let me give you a little example. Which of the following are you most likely to say at Burger King?

I’d like the number 2 with cheese, no pickle or onions, Diet Coke, not too much ice, two packets of ketchup and extra napkins.

OR:

Can you get me something for lunch? You know what I like.

When we speak to our partners in veiled terms and don’t clearly identify our needs, we inadvertently (or perhaps advertently) put them in the position of being tested. We test them to see how well they understand our deepest needs, how in tune they are to our emotions, how much they REALLY know us and love us. Well, duh, no wonder we end up disappointed and they end up cheesed off.

Or maybe we’re simply embarrassed to say what we want. But most probably, it’s because we’re afraid we won’t get it. We’d prefer not to know the truth.

You know how it is when your credit card statement arrives? You know what’s in there, but you don’t want to see it. You put the envelope on the edge of the desk, and leave it for a day or two. You find anything else to do but open that statement. Because you’re afraid of the truth. Of course, if you wait too long to open it, you’ll have to pay a late penalty as well. It’s not so different with relationships.

We’re not really bad at communicating. When we want something specific, like a Whopper, we’re very good at asking for it. What we’re bad at is discussing uncomfortable issues. Things we already know the answers to, but aren’t ready to confront. So we do our best to pretend they’re simply not there until the evidence piles up under so much pressure it detonates.

The way I look at it is the sooner you confront issues, the sooner you can fix them. The sooner you can get out of a bad situation, or build something better. It may simply be that your other half doesn’t really know what you need. Don’t punish each other for not being clairvoyant. Remember, no one knows you want a vanilla shake unless you order it.